Oxygen

I am so glad that I left when I did. As soon as I walked out that door I felt so much relief. I look back at the experience as an eye opener. Watching the show these last few months shows me that I was a lot more screwed up than I realize. Walking in that place the first day all I wanted to do was party and have fun. I really thought my life was perfect and that I had no problems, or at least problems I was in control of. But my eating disorder, my insecurities and my addictions were still controlling me.

I don't think I really knew how much that place was going to kick my a$$, but it did. After I left I relapsed into my old ways and was being really self-destructive. I think the guilt of screwing up a friendship and repeating things I thought I had learned from really f*cked with my mind. I wanted to escape and not feel all my regret and pain. After a month I knew I was in trouble and that I couldn't get help on my own. I was killing myself with bulimia and drugs again and that wasn't even taking my pain away anymore. It was time to get help no matter what I had to do. I went to Sacramento and got help at a treatment center. It cost a lot of money and time but it probably saved my life.

The person I was hardest on was myself and I needed to deal with my issues. I couldn't be in denial anymore. Facing my past and demons was really hard and gaining weight was even harder. But none of that was as awful as feeling like you are living your life fake. I think it is better to be true to yourself and hated than fake and liked for someone you are not. I am glad that there are people out there who hate me because if there weren't I wouldn't be living life right.

My favorite thing about the Bad Girls house was all the cool sh*t we got to do that I would never have tried on my own. It was really working on the parties and going to them was better. Josh coming to visit was also really fun. Even though it didn't turn out the way I had hoped, it was entertaining watching Darlen torment him. I really liked getting to know Cordelia for the short time I did. It was nice to meet someone that was so like me and who had gone through a lot of the same sh*t as I had. We clicked right away and had a lot of fun together. I could share with her my life as a stripper, a gold digger, and an ugly duckling. It’s a shame things ended the way they did, but you live and learn, and I will never take back any of it because it made me who I am today. I like the me that I have become and I know there is so much more to my life than the mistakes I made at the Bad Girls house. That doesn't define who I am.

The worst things about the bad girls house was having to face my flaws and realize I didn't have it as together as I thought. The Blog episode was an awful thing to go through and so was being alone when the girls were in Santa Barbara at the Ranch. But it did give me a lot of time to think about who I was and why I had gotten myself into this situation.

The best thing I learned is that what other people think and say about me is a reflection of them and their own insecurities and it really has nothing to do with me. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself. I know I am a beautiful, strong, smart and a compassionate person. If anyone disagrees, that's their bad.